Of Thoughts and Feelings
by Crazy-Psycho-Anime-Lover
Summary: She's not sure what she should feel, she just knows that she feels a lot of anger. And she knows who deserves it and why. It's not Naruto though, she could never hate him. Slight mention of Self Harm and some Swearing.


**HEYA! This just randomly came to me while I was having an emo moment, so I just had to write it! If any of you read my other fic 'Revenge', the next chapter is halfway complete and I'll try to have it out in the next few days. I hope you enjoy this, though to be honest, it's a bit angsty... Okay, it's A LOT angsty and I think a little bit of narusaku, but nothing romantic. Please enjoy!**

**By the way, this doesn't follow a specific plot, nor does it tie in with the manga/anime at any particular point, just the depressing and jumbled thoughts of a teenage pink haired ninja.**

I'm done. Completely and utterly done. I don't even know why I bother anymore, it's pointless. Oh wait now I remember. Naruto. Everything is for Naruto, isn't it? Why? Before, I never would have questioned it. Naruto is special. Always has been. I feel sick whenever I remember how I treated him before. I treated him like shit, yet he would always come back smiling, always being polite. I'm ashamed at myself. He is so wonderful, even if he did leave me. It hurt but he came back. The knowledge that he would be returning was the only thing that kept me going. I know he wanted Sasuke back as much as I did back then, but I still hate myself for forcing that promise onto him. All of that unnecessary pain because of my selfishness. I don't even care about that stupid fucking promise. I don't want Naruto to get hurt and I don't give a shit about Sasuke. Okay I do, I'm just really mad...

It's sad to think that Naruto is the only thing holding Team Kakashi together. When he was gone, Kakashi disappeared almost completely. I would catch him in Tsunade's office sometimes. He would smile and say 'Hi Sakura' then he would be gone. I wonder if Kakashi ever looked at me and felt guilt for his shameful neglect. I could've been great. As great as Naruto and Sasuke. We could've been a proper team, all equal, but I guess I wasn't important enough. I never am...

I wanted to cry. Did he forget that I was as much a part of team 7 as Naruto Sasuke and he was? Obviously not. I wanted to cry but I wouldn't. Ninja's don't show their emotions. I felt abandoned. Sure I had Tsunade, Shizune, Ino and all the others but my team mates made me happy and without them I felt empty. Alone even. All these feelings being bottled up inside of me can't be healthy. Of course they aren't! I'm a medic, I should know! So why don't I do something about it? It's a secret. As shameful as it is to admit, I don't want to have to go to someone and tell them what's wrong, I want someone to notice it. I want them to some to me, confront me about it and help me. I want someone to show me that they care! Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is...

I am bitter and perhaps my feelings are irrational, but in my mind's eye they are justified. I hope I don't break. I honestly don't know how much longer I can take it. I wonder if they know how I feel. Probably not. No, I can hide my feelings well when it doesn't matter though to me it does. They might be able to tell if they looked closely enough but why would they? I'm just Sakura Haruno, an ordinary average kunoichi. There wouldn't be anything wrong with me, why would there be? I want them to notice, but despite all this, I can't bring myself to hate them. Sometimes I'm glad, and sometimes I hate myself for not hating them. Those times are dark. Tsunade doesn't like it when I destroy the training grounds so I have to find _other_ ways to vent. It's not healthy but it lets me know I can feel something other than anger and hate. I'm pathetic, but I don't know what else to do. I'm too afraid to tell Tsunade. She'd probably make me see a shrink. I can't tell my mother; we never talk. Another ruined relationship, and I regret this most of all. I can't tell Ino because within half an hour the whole village would know. I have no-one but myself to depend on but my resolve is crumbling and I don't know how much longer I can last…

I don't want Naruto to witness my imminent descent into insanity though; he's already suffered so much. After seeing how much Sasuke's betrayal affected him, I flatter myself by saying that losing me as well would damage him even further. I wish I was more like him. He's always so optimistic. Any normal person else would've gone insane if they had suffered like him. To be honest though, Naruto isn't normal. Then again, my suffering has been minimal compared to him and look at me. I'm unimportant. I'm not worth anything. No-one would care if I died. Sure, one or two people might be slightly upset but they would get over it quickly. They shouldn't care. The sooner the better really. No point in suicide though, I'm a ninja. That's a suicide job in itself. I hope that if I do die, they realise then. I hope they feel guilty, and that the guilt eats at them because they knew that they could've done something to help. Not Naruto though, never him. He's too wonderful, even if he is dopey. My death will come soon enough. I still haven't decided on whether I want a swift and painless death, or if it should be painful and prolonged. It's what I deserve.

I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

**TAA DAA! I hope you enjoyed it. Please review and let me know what you thought of it : )**

**P.S in the latest chapter of revenge, I'm not sure if I should change the rating to 'M' or if I should just leave it. I would appreciate it if someone could let me know : ) **


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